The worm has turned

...and come full circle. About a year ago, I was deeply suspicious of IQ, and particularly her modus operandi in the world. Any time I mentioned her to anyone who knew of her, I was responded to with raised eyebrows and/or negative comments. Then came the lust - a control mechanism, I'm sure. Defence against the potential problems she could cause me. Dark, violent lust, a deep desire to disempower her. That soon faded, and I have tried to describe some of this process before. The violence faded, but not the desire...that remained, and has tormented me since.

But over the last few days, something has shifted. Not that I don't feel this desire any more, but I have had a few insights. I have been dismissed, laughed at, snubbed, and prevented from being somewhere I had every right to be. And this morning, after being more or less turfed out of my own territory, having been pushed aside in favour of her own ego, I was cross. Not cross, Angry. Really pissed off. Just the other day, I was cross at myself for being a fool. By this morning, I was angry with her. And yet, still desirous, I have come back precisely to the place I was almost a year ago...

Well, not precisely there. I am no longer suprised and bemused by my attraction to her. It's old-hat now, something I'm quite used to, having been a part of my life for this length of time. So, I'm not quite so scared of it. But I'm still basically back where I was.

The worm has indeed turned, but it has come back to its starting place. To continue the animal metaphor, can the leopard ever change its spots? Is there any hope for me now? I'm hoping - planning - for this worm to take a different path now, maybe move on from what is currently a place of ugliness. But maybe I'll get sucked in again...if not by her, maybe by another. Still making the same mistakes I was making nearly 20 years ago, and have continued to make ever since. Yes, I keep picking my scabs...can I let them heal? Will I not always be subject to the scars? Can any of us really change the path we take through the mud and soil and humus of life?