Priorities

I feel like a totally rubbish person. I let down a friend today for utterly selfish reasons. Not utterly selfish, but 99%. I should have given my time to someone who gives me hers, someone I know I can call on, and have done, in times of trouble. Instead, I gave it to someone who deserves it significantly less, as much as she could use it at that moment, in order to satisfy my own desires.

I don't think it would have looked like a big deal to anyone else, and quite possibly I'm doing myself down. That's the rational part of me. And I also know that I was completely and wholeheartedly genuine when I pledged my 24-hour-anything-you-need friendship to Olga last night - she's still having a rough time in several ways, and I feel her hurt deeply. That is truly genuine. She is a true friend to me and I want to return that friendship.

I asked Olga over for dinner tonight, but only after my original plan hadn't yielded fruit. And that plan, as I'm sure you can guess, was misguided, based on misplaced loyalty. I feel like a total total fool. Like someone who really doesn't deserve friends, and certainly not of the likes of Olga or Rogers.

I wish I could get my priorities straight. I wish I could actually live by the rules of life that I set myself, honour the principles I profess to hold dear. And yet all of my reason and rhyme and my capacity to think straight go clear out of the window when I'm with Her. I must confess this: I actually, at this moment, believe wholeheartedly in everything I used to say was total bollocks... the myth of feminine wiles, charms, mystique. Right now, I speak as if under a spell. I've been perfectly reasonable for a few weeks now... but there she is. And whatever politically correct, critical theoretical sensibilities I might profess, I have to say I can also bear witness to the whole stinky mess of women. What a sucker I am. I can say nothing useful, nor harvest any heroes.