I'm here again and I want to go

Yes, here I am once more. My point of refuge, a solace, safe place in the wilderness. I come here to write, and to formulate my thoughts, my self, to articulate, to systemise, to refuse the chaos of feeling that otherwise ensues.

I am feeling increasingly unable to say anything useful or productive or right or anything. I mean that in all contexts. Here, I feel my hero harvesting project has taken a sudden nose-dive, since the start of the new term and the personal struggles that brings with it for me. Apart from here, my safe place away from the others, I feel almost entirely out of it. A fake, a fraud, the baby of the family. I'm not working effectively, I'm quite sure of that. I feel busy all of the time, and yet I look at my colleagues and can only conclude I'm barely doing anything by comparison. I'm huffing and puffing and only treading water. I'm not really used to feeling this incapable. And with the incapability comes the sense of personal absurdity. I feel told off or belittled when it's not really happening, or maybe it is - I jsut can't work it out any more. I feel out of place all the time, and as if there is no possible way anyone would say anything behind my back except bad things. Not really bad, just irritated, and probably patronising.

It's not like I haven't been here before, but I hate it every time. And I wish I felt motivated even enough to go and ask a doctor for some meds that would help, that I know would help in some surface, inane way, because they did before. I don't even have that much motivation. It's a new doctor, in a new city. A new system, and I don't like it. I want it to be safe all around and it isn't. I just want it all to go away. The out-of-control-ness at work. The same in my emotions. The lack of ability to articulate accurately. The missing-the-essence of situations - I'm missing a sharpness in social contexts. I just want it all to stop, and to feel like I function again. Even writing this, I feel whingey, stupid, childish, pathetic, like my complaints about myself are pointless and self-indulgent and that you will only agree if I air that concern, even if it's just for a moment before you try to placate.

Fuck everything. Nothing useful here. Move away from the blog - there's nothing to see.