No, it's not as exciting a post as you want it to be... Sorry. But the picture's good, don't you think? :)I reached a conclusion about myself a few weeks back. Madd was harrassing me to take a day off work and go into town with her, meet some cute bird at some cafe, hang out, have fun etc. Problem was, it was the last day before my 3 weeks of non-productivity were about to commence - Christmas, the boys, blah blah. So I was eager to get a number of things finished so that I didn't worry about them over the vacation. I was so stressed about I-didn't-quite-now-what, and she was so very persistent, I ended up in tears trying to take a raincheck, or even just that I'd try but couldn't promise anything.
Anyway, in the discussion/harrassment, she offered to help me with whatever I needed to get done. Admittedly, there were probably one or two things that she could've done without me worrying too much, like filing my articles. But truth be told, I understood then and there that I'm basically a control freak. I don't want anyone else to do my filing, or my tidying. It might be wrong. And they'd get in the way. I want my own space and my own system and for it to be right and Just So.
Now I sound like Posh, who took over a year at the beginning of our relationship to be persuaded to let me fold her jeans, and always harangued me about the way I hung the washing. In many ways I'm not like her: I didn't bat an eyelid when the boys told me they'd knocked over the clothes horse, whereas she would have had an apopleptic fit; I don't have some complex system of hanging things out to dry; I can think outside the box. But, in many other respects - mostly work-related, I think - I am a total control freak. It's not that I want to do things for other people, but I get very anxious about trusting them to do things at all, and it makes me want to do something to make them do it, and do it right. I prepared everyone's feedback forms for them before the vacation, pre-filled them and everything, so that they'd get done. Not even my responsibility, but I couldn't bear the idea of people not doing it. And I've got another thing going on next week: some complex memo about our computerised profiles, and how we all individually need to do stuff... I'm getting everyone in the computer suite and telling them what buttons to push, because it affects my job as webmaster. Why can't I just let it go? Why do I care so much about whether other people can get their own shit together?
Anyway, this is all part of an increasing reliance on (and yearning for) self-discipline for me. I want to be efficient, get things done. The gym is crucial to me at the moment - I haven't thought much about it for the last 3 weeks, but I'm raring to go on Monday, and lose the weight that I hate so much because it is visible evidence of my lack of self-discipline and willpower. I will lose those 2 stones again this year... I must, because not to is to fail and fall into the pit of apathy. Not that I regard weight in others as such evidence, but I know what it is for me - a total inability to resist tasty food.
And the weight is, in my mind, more important than the food. It's just that my tastebuds override my mind sometimes... so with self-discipline always comes punishment, or at least suffering, since I'll be "missing out" on tortillas and minstrels for a while now. The weightloss companies say you don't have to miss out totally - true enough - but rising at 6.30am to go to the gym is punishment enough for my lack of discipline so far! And cleanliness really is next to godliness, since I am a god if I can keep everything clean all the time. I feel untouchable having spent literally all day cleaning. In fact, I enjoy it all. Deeply masochistic, I'm sure, but it makes me feel good to think that I am in control. Eugh.
My natural instinct is to dislike control freaks and gym bunnies and people obsessed with tidiness and systems. They're generaly so dull, and often difficult as people. I don't want to end up like that, interesting only for being a pain in the arse. But discipline is my great hero at the moment, the thing that keeps me ticking over and makes me feel ok, and, I believe, makes life possible in a job that attracts disorder and panic: always so much to do, always needing to be done now. Discipline will guide me through, if I am at all capable of the journey.
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