Good Mother Bad Mother

What does a Good Mother look like? She is only a fantasy figure, I think. Parenthood is a journey always doomed to failure. There is so much SHIT around about what makes a Good Parent, that all of us can only ever fall short of the mark. I stumbled across a book being sold, called Good Mother, Welcome. The blurb on the internet page says: "This beautiful book contains a heartfelt welcome to new mothers, giving voice to the poetic and sacred elements of the journey of motherhood." Poetic and sacred? Give me a break! You do what you have to do to get through each day; you try your best and hope it's good enough; and get to the end of every day with the sure and certain knowledge somewhere deep inside you that on some level it won't have been.

Olga is someone whom I respect and love deeply, and whose parenting of a child who brings certain non-standard challenges I admire. The child in question is a stunning example of the human race. She's smart, funny, charming and witty; she's socially capable and lots of amazing things, let alone when you consider that she's only 16. And to no small extent, this is due to the ways in which she has been raised, the day-to-day parenting provided for her by Olga and the Great Dane, as well as the underlying philosophies that have guided them both. And yet I know that Olga worries intensely about the job she has done, the job she's doing; she feels the effort she puts in; and she feels it deeply that the Kid on some level will inevitably have "issues" with her parents.

Posh has a clear idea of what a Good Mother would look like, and I'm not an example of it. In fact, she feels that she is not an example of that idea either. Well, for sure, since the idea is an ideal, one that can never be achieved except in the minds of people who read Good Mother, Welcome. But the difference between me and Posh is that I feel like a good enough job is good enough; she strives for something higher than she can ever achieve. As I have noted, she subscibes to the MOMI-theory, and it seems that this comes as part of a package where 'giving everything' to your children is required. Of course, this is why I'm here and they're there, because I didn't 'give everything', being unprepared to sacrifice myself on one particular issue. But 'giving everything', by definition, also necessitates having everything taken, and that's not OK as far as I can tell. Posh is going through another bad patch with Big Boy. I feel like she gets too emotionally embroiled with him; she wants control over him, she wants to be able to predict his every move and response, and she enters into an emotional turmoil as soon as he's upset. If he kicks off, it affects her deeply, because she is 'as one' with him, and this is something she feels is part of being a Good Mother.

In fact, that 'giving everything' and then complaining when everything is taken is dumb, it seems to me. It's not productive for Posh, and it's not helpful for Big Boy. I'm not suggesting she's a Bad Mother - I'm not sure there's such a thing, just as the Good Mother doesn't really exist. All that any of us can do is our best, thinking all the while of ourselves and our kids, and how best to teach them how to be productive in the world. As long as we do that, we're as good as we can be.