Under Pressure but I'm Feeling Good

Big Boy's here for a few days. Posh says she can't cope right now. He's kicking back against the unsettledness after visiting last week, but she has limited capacity / resources to tame him when he's in this state. I want to help, really I do. But I can't solve her problems. I know part of her resents me for not being there. And no small part of me resents her for making me pick up the pieces of what was her desperation. She seems to have some need to fill a gap, and to fill it with children. She found it hard with just BB, but still pushed for Little Lad. And even then, even when she found that hard with me away, and even when I said I didn't want any more, she started again...pushing for another plug in the hole of her life - whatever that hole is.

So he's here, in the middle of a really bad time of year. I was finding it difficult enough to wade through my admin to the refuge of my research, as traumatic as that place was (see here and here). And now I have him around, taking up time and space and brainpower and energy.

But at the same time I'm pleased to be his point of refuge. He's been lovely since he came. With just him, and no Her, I seem so able, so competent, so perfectly capable of looking after him and loving him and doing right by him. So although the pressure's really on for this paper - and I'm sitting here typing with That Voice screeching through my brain, taking advantage of a brief respite afforded me by Necoh - I'm not suffering. I will do, I'm sure...I'll be back here when he's gone, sad at his absence and terrified of my deadline. But for now I'm feeling fine, happy to be capable. Hurray!