The limits of space

Why does space matter? If space is the nothingness between places or people, how can we own it - isn't 'personal space' therefore an impossibility? IQ insists on standing close to me, walking close to me. We walked together around parts of the city today, and then we stood and talked about practical things. As we stood, I could see the hairs on her cheeks, every line on her face and the tensions of skin, the tiny dabs of mascara, the slight clinging-together of her lips as she spoke. She was too close for comfort and I felt like a rabbit in the headlights. Afterwards, all of the details of her face were imprinted in my brain, an aftershock, and for a while I couldn't rid myself of it.

It feels like a kind of space rape. When she's too close, I try to back off, for fear of seeming too close myself, and because it is not quite close enough and that taunts me. And yet she persists, forces herself into my space, that part of the nothingness which I do not even own or control. And once she has done that, it seems she has penetrated my mind against my will. I know too much of her face now, and I feel somehow violated.

That space is important, central to the comfort of two people standing together conversing, but how can I articulate the discomfort? Clearly it is impossible, because it all works so subconsciously. Maybe she understands me pulling away and wants to push forward. Maybe she thinks I am pushing, and is happy to be led closer. Maybe (most likely, I suspect) her comfort level is different on account of her different cultural background: perhaps this is my English politeness hard at work. But I cannot simply say anything: that really would not work, although it is not clear to me precisely why I cannot just say, "You are standing too close. Can you please give me some space?"

We have already been playing games, as I suggested before: step forward, step back. But now this is a physical reality...it is a dance indeed. If only the music were not so dissonant and harsh - if only it would play!