What did I do wrong?

In a way, this post is in lieu of my 'reflective practice' that I should be doing for work. Sigh. As if I don't have enough on, I'm supposed to attend seminars and write about how I'm improving in my job as a result. Very worker bee. Big sigh.

In fact, I think I'm getting worse at it. The last two years, I've taught a course--it's been a challenge, but students have said afterwards they enjoyed it, and we all seemed to have a good time doing it. But I wasn't convinced I was helping them learn anything (see: I'm not a 'teacher'; I 'facilitate learning'...). So this year I'm totally overhauling it, with a view to helping them develop skills that will actually be useful for other modules, and, let's face it, do what the course is supposed to.

So last week, I used a tip I'd got from one of my damn seminars that are making my Wednesdays a regular hell for me this semester: I asked them for feedback on 3 questions--What's the most helpful thing we've done so far? What's giving you the most trouble? and What can I do to help with the things you're finding difficult. Apparently, the Carpenters are difficult, because 4 forms (out of around 55) came back asking for fewer Carpenters examples in class.

Well, I wrote everyone a long note in response to most of their collective points, and raised the Carpenters issue at the end. I pointed out that I used the examples because a) I knew them and b) they illustrated the point, and that if, for example, Stockhausen had been more appropriate I would have played that instead. I also pointed out that only 7 of around 150 examples were by the Carpenters.

I feel like I've totally lost any kind of connection I had with the class. Did I ever have one? Is this year group just full of bad apples? Will my real module feedback come back terrible because I sometimes play Patsy Cline, and they choose to ignore the Diamanda Galas or Led Zeppelin or Angelique Kidjo I play as well? How fucking unfair would that be? Or would it be? Should I work harder at finding examples that will speak to the students? How can I possibly? I'm not 18, and I'm not into rock--well, not in large doses, although I like a bit of Zep or GnR as much as the next man. Not all of them are either, and I know I've got mature students and Whitney fans in the crowd. I try and play a range, I really do. I genuinely listen to a range: not like some, "Yeah I'm into everything... Beatles, the Who, Stones"...yeah right. I often listen to fado, easy listening, tango, medieval plainsong, 80s pop, 19th-century opera... often within a mere 24 hour period and certainly within any given week. I try and have a sense of humour about the 'cheesy' examples I play, but at the same time I don't want to foster uncritical value judgements. Oi vey, the rock and the hard place already.

What to do now? Meanwhile, I have in the last 12 hours been party to information in praise of my colleague Rabbit, who is described in one piece of feedback from last semester as 'King'. No, I don't want to be bionic, like he is. No, I like eating and don't want to look like I'm harbouring a stomach ulcer or other wound-up-tight internalised-stress condition. But I would love his confidence, at least. I'm not jealous of his success... just his confidence. He seems to know what he's doing, and he seems to feel like he's doing it right, and that he gets more-than-adequate praise (from all levels) about it.

Maybe it's just a show. Maybe all his very visible neuroses merely hide a more deep rooted one. Or maybe I should play more Nirvana, like he does. What I hate is feeling like my teaching is not good enough simply on the basis of what music I play, which speaks of course of the music I know... and no matter how I know it... that PhD's no excuse, you know... fact is I have always listened to the Carpenters voluntarily. That's why I thought of them in the first place...

So why do these students get, potentially, to judge my capacity to do my job simply on the basis of a clash in musical taste? That seems really really unfair. Perhaps I should stop whinging, but it seems that my colleagues in Maths or History wouldn't get the same treatment. Perhaps it's really a different version of what they get, but I still feel very put out. Clearly I need to work this through somewhat, probably in my real 'reflective practice'--fuckin waste of time that'll be. All top tips welcome!